Elevator Jam
by DruidofNecromancy
Summary: Shepard gets stuck in an elevator with, Legion and a Gold Fish he bought for Tali while Grunt and Garrus go on a rampage through the Citadel. What a fun time! This story takes place during ME2.
1. A Goldfish: The Ultimate Gift

"Garrus just stop talking," Shepard muttered as they walked into the elevator. Today was just an average day on the citadel, and Shepard was going shopping with a few squad members. He was beginning to regret bringing Garrus along.

"Come on Shepard! You have to let us kick back our feet once and a while," Grunt argued as they walked a shop selling live fish.

"You are not having a little joyride around the Citadel, C-Sec is already on our back for your last stunt, grunt," Shepard replied. "You think Tali would like an Albino Yellow Tang? Or maybe a jellyfish?"

"That's all you ever talk about anymore, saving galaxies and Tali," Garrus mutter. Of course, Tali and Shepard were madly in love, much to the rest of the crew's disgust, but Shepard was still in denial.

"We're not dating!" Shepard protested, finally deciding to go with a plain gold fish. "Where's Legion at."

Legion casually walked in. "Shepard Commander, I was not able to purchase your new star maps. The Quarian shopkeeper threw me out before I could complete the purchase," Legion reported.

"We can get them later, we're heading back to Normandy," Shepard replied.

_(Minutes later)_

As the elevator doors opened, Garrus pulled back Legion from entering. "Hey Legion, do me a favor," He whispered.

Legion gave him a silent stare, and Garrus continued, "Can you hack into the elevator somehow."

"Yes," Legion blankly stated.

"Good, I need you to hack into the elevator and shut it down before you reach the Normandy. Can you do that?" Garrus asked.

Legion slightly nodded. "You are a trusted ally of Shepard Commander, and we will follow your orders as we would his."

Garrus gulped, "Yay, keep thinking that."

"Hey!" Shepard yelled getting their attention. "Hurry it up!"

"Me and Grunt forgot we needed to buy something, we'll me you back at Normandy, ok?" Garrus stated.

Shepard nodded, "I'll give you ten minutes."

The elevator doors closed, and Garrus led Grunt away.

"What are we buying?" Grunt asked.

"I tell you what we're buying," Garrus replied. "Booze and fun."

The two grinned.

_(Three hours later)_

Garrus and Grunt loomed over the body of the dead bartender as they were surrounded by C-SEC officers.

"What the hell, Grunt!" Garrus yelled.


	2. Blowing Brains Out

_(Three hours before Grunt and Garrus are arrested.)_

Shepard paced around the small elevator still, waiting for someone to fix the elevator. For no apparent reason, it had ust shut down.

What the hell happened? Citadel elevators never break down, or at least Shepard thought.

Legion was just standing in the corner. Little did Shepard know Legion's small synthetic mind was hard at work hacking into the elevators mainframe and diverting elevator traffic so no one would know what was wrong.

Shepard looked at the plastic bag which contained the gold fish, which was still floating happily around the bag. As long as they got out soon, the fish would be fine, and so would Shepard's relationship.

_(Back on Normandy.)_

Tali tapped her finger as she waited. What was taking Shepard so long?

"EDI, what did Shepard say he was buying at the Citadel?" Tali asked.

EDI responded, "He said he was going out to buy you a gift. But during his time on the Citadel, he has been accumulating a large amount of debt at multiple bars."

_(On the Citadel_…)

"You really think Shepard is really ok with us using his money?" Grunt asked before drinking another cocktail.

Garrus was already pretty drunk at this point. "Yeahhh! Pretty sure that the he's ok with it. Who's Shepard again?"

_(Back on the Normandy)_

Tali stared at the data pad for a few second in disbelief.

"That bastard!" She yelled before storming off.

"Tali, where are you going?" EDI asked.

Tali also grabbed her M-6 Carnifex Hand Cannon. "To blow Shepard's brains out!" She yelled.


	3. Return of Gay Paul

(30 minutes later)

Grunt laughed as Garrus told a very, very dirty joke about a Salarian and a pole-dancing unicorn.

"Waitress, bring this comedian another cocktail!" Grunt yelled, before falling on the floor giggling like a little school girl. "That was one naughty Unicorn."

Garrus helped his friends back to his bar stool where they enjoyed another round of drinks. But as they drank, Garrus spitted out his cocktail in surprise as he saw a familiar face. "Gay Paul, I thought he was dead," He muttered.

"Who da what?" Grunt asked, looking in the same direction. Suddenly, Garrus pulled Grunt to the ground hiding from whoever this Gay Paul was.

Garrus stuttered, "Gay Papapaul is a human guy I met a while back at a, wewell, place. He is really; I repeat rerereally, creepy. I thought he died a long time ago."

"Are you stuttering?" Grunt questioned.

"Yeyeyes, I do that when I drink a lot," Garrus replied. "Shshit!"

A human man who appeared to be wearing make-up began walking towards them. "Oh, my, god! Is that you Garrus? I haven't seen, you in, like, ages!" Gay Paul squealed. "We really need to talk more often!"

Garrus sighed, "Hi, Paul."

"What are you doing here? I thought you were, like, on Omega!" Paul replied.

"Change of career," Garrus said. "Look, me and my friend need to go."

"Oh! I can go with you guys!" Paul squealed.

At this point, Grunt was about to pull out his shotgun, blow some bullets into Paul's gay face, and then defecate on his grave, if he didn't shut up.

Grunt muttered, "I need to piss." Before getting up and walking to the nearest bathroom. But as soon as he saw Paul was also feeling the call of nature, he sat back down. "I can hold it."

Once Gay Paul was out of hearing range, Grunt whispered, "Is that how all gay men are?"

Garrus replied, "He's in denial."

"Of being gay?"

"No, he is in denial of being straight because he divorced his Asarian wife a few years back. She took everything, the house, his liquid assets, even his damn collection of Fornax magazines. If we don't get rid of him, he'll follow us around like a puppy."

Grunt got up from the floor and began walking towards the restrooms. "I take of it."

(3 minutes later)

Grunt returned with a small smile on his face as he got back. "We should probably go now."

(A minute later)

Paul banged on the side of the stall door, but it was still jammed. Little did he know it was on purpose?

"This just sucks," He pouted.

But out of nowhere, he began hearing a beeping sound. He ignored the sound and opened the oddly heavy newspaper the Krogan in the stall to his right had given him.

But to his shock, there was a tiny bomb embedded in the newspaper that was causing the beeping sound.

Before the bomb exploded, he was able to give off a short scream.

A Turian a few stalls down noticed the scream and looked up from his business and asked, "You all right in there, buddy?"

_Please note that Druid of Necromancy does not endorse the comments, opinions, or actions of the characters portrayed here. Nor do should you try to do anything that has been done here. If you are uncomfortable with any material represented here, please don't sue me. _


	4. Elevator Therapy

Shepard and Legion sat in the elevator waiting. It was very silent, except for the hum of passing elevators.

"Shepard Commander," Legion stated. "Would you like to talk?"

Shepard turned his gaze away from the goldfish. "Let me think about it. No," He replied. "I don't like talking about coding."

"No, not about the fascinating world of coding. We want to talk about something very different, our feelings," Legion continued.

Shepard gave Legion a shocked looked. "You're a Geth! You can't have feelings!"

"It seems like that was supposed to hurt us, and it worked," Legion said, looking at the ground in disappointment.

"No! I don't mean it like that! Tali just hate you and it sort of rubbed on me. I mean I love her, but she is taking it way to far man! She wants to share quarters now! She even wants to repaint it! Want to know what color? Pink! PINK! But I can't dump her! We're in love! I'm just so confused!" Shepard yelled, now realizing he was spilling his guts out to an AI.

"Geth have special programming allowing them to act as therapist. Oddly, the creators decided that most of this knowledge should be used in the field of relationship counseling. Continue," Legion informed.

Shepard began spilling more of his guts out; little did he know what Garrus and Grunt were up to.

(On the citadel)

The Asarian waitress came up to the table where a Turian and Krogan were waiting. She then proceeded to hand them there orders, which were just two vanilla ice cream cones.

The Krogan only said, "Thank you." The duos then grabbed their frozen treats, but instead of grabbing the cones, they grabbed the actual ice cream. They then threw the ice cream away and walked out.

**Coning 2185**


	5. Shotguns Are Not Toys!

(One hour later)

"Chug! Chug! Chug!" The crowd of Batarians chanted as Grunt continued to chugged beer by the gallons. He finally placed the last empty tanker down and another round of applause from the crowd.

Garrus walked very sluggishly over to Grunt before groaning, "I didn't get that Quarian's number! She totally flipped me off!"

Grunt patted him on the back, "How did it go down?"

"Well she was sitting on a bench when I went up to her and said, 'Hey baby! I want to have some mutated babies with you.' She gave me a creepy look, and well, that's when I puked on her, and well, that's when she slapped me and ran away screaming. I can't believe that didn't work!" Garrus explained.

"Hey man, there's always something to hope for," Grunt reassured.

A Batarian also walked up to Grunt and asked, "Hey man, I bet you couldn't shoot an apple off a bartender's head!"

"Bring it on man!" Grunt yelled.

A few minutes later, everyone in the bar was silently watching Grunt take aim at the apple perched on the nervous bartender's head.

"Hey Grunt, I don't think you should use a shotgun to do this. You could kill someone!" Garrus said.

"Shut up! I can use whatever gun I want!" Grunt replied, shoving Garrus off to the side before shooting at the apple.

Due to the nature of shotgun, as many of you know, the shot did manage to hit the apple dead on, but it also hit the bartender straight in the face, killing him. That is why you never ever you shotgun in a shooting contest.

Unfortunately for this duo, a group of C-SEC security officer's was just passing by the bar on their way to celebrate a bust on an illegal weapons trade. But their plans were soon halted as they saw the Bartender get shot.

In just a short few moments, the Officers had completely surrounded Grunt and Garrus.

"What the hell, Grunt!" Garrus yelled.


	6. Thane's Cookies

Tali growled as she saw the C-SEC officers surrounding a bar. "Shepard," She muttered as she pushed her way through the crowds of bystanders watching.

As she entered the bar, she was greeted by the sight of Grunt being forced to the groun by six C-SEC officers while Garrus was lying of the ground in a fetal position crying his eyes out.

"Ma'm, stay back," Another officer advised. But Tali replied by whipping out her Carfinex pistol and pointing it at the man. After that, the other C-SEC officer dared not stop her.

She then approached Grunt, who had finally given up trying to resist. "WHERE IS HE?" She screamed pointing her gun at his face.

"Tali! Tell them we wre just drunk! I didn't mean to shoot that guys face off. Although it was fun," Grunt pleaded. But when he looke into Tali's face, he realized that wasn't the right answer. "It was Garrus' idea! Don't kill me!"

Tali was actaully thinking of killing him, but instead she just shot him in the foot.

"OW! MAMA! YOU'RE LITTLE BOY WANTS TO GO BACK INTO THE TANK!" Grunt squealed as he battled the men holding him down.

"Sir, get a hold of yourself!" A C-SEC officer explained. "Don't make us use the tazer!"

Garrus was a totally different matter, he was crying his eyes out to the officer questioning him.

"I*sniff* I didn't do anything! My friend was the one who*sniff* shot him!" Garrus balled.

Tali put her gun at the back of his head. "Tell me where my lying boyfriend is before I kill you!" She screamed, at her wits end.

"He and Legion are stuck in an elevator! I told Legion to do it! Don't kill me!" He explained, closing his eyes in fear. H e did this for several minutes and when he was finally brave enough to open them, Tali was gone. But Grunt was still on the floor.

As Tali walked even more angrily out of the bar, she got an audio message from you guessed it, Joker.

The message was,"Hey, Tali, its me, Joker. Hope you are having fun trying to kill shepard. Just wanted to let you know something. Even though you've only been gone fore 20 minutes, THE NORMANDY HAS GONE TO HELL! I'M LOCKED IN THE WOMENS RESTROOM! HELP! Oh, and Thane wants some chocolate chip cookies, if you have the time, thanks. SAVE US!"

Unfortunately, Tali deleted the message because it was titled, "Thane's Cookies," And she they had already had to stop everything they were doing four times that month to go to the citadel to buy Thane chocolate chip cookies because he threatened to blow up the engine if he didn't get them.


	7. Tali Shoots Shepard!

"Shepard Commander, I have analyzed the results of our therapy," Legion informed.

Shepard perked up from his crouched position in the corner of the elevator. Unfortunately, it had taken 20 minutes to calculate the results of the sesssion of therapy, and Shepard was ready to hear the results. "Is it bad doc?" He asked.

"No, you and Tali are simply having communication issues," Legion replied.

"True."

***FLASHBACK***

"Yay, yep, that is really interesting," Shepard said to Tali over the intercom. Shepard was trying to act interested in the conversation, but all of his attention was being used on his private terminal.

"SHEPARD!" Tali screached. "It is a yes or no question! Should we share quarters or not?"

"Yes!" Shepard cried. He didn't even think about his response, but usually the simple word yes usaully solved all of his problem with Tali.

"Really? That's great! I have to go, those stupid ceberus technichians don't know a gigabyte from a megabyte. See ya!"

"Yay,*nervous laugh*, by Tali," Shepard replied. Once he was sure Tali was gone, he returned to his Private terminal.

He nervously looked over his shoulder as he reopened the web browser containing the popular Fornax edition, _Fornax: The Quarian Edition Unrated._

***END OF FLASHBACK!***

Unfortunately at that very moment the doors of the elevator bursted open, revealing a furious Tali holding a hevay pistol.

"Tali, thank god! I bought you a- oh..." Shepards voice trailed off as he realized the goldfish was dead.

But all of a sudden, Tali opened fire on Shepard shooting a bullet into his right leg.

"What the hell Tali!"

"You know I can't eat fish, idiot," Tali grunted, turning her head towards Legion. "And you! Why would you trap Shepard in an elevator!"

At this moment, Legion port little computer of mind was on overload, thinking off every possible option to get out of this mess. His little synthetic mind finally decided to take drastic measures.

He bolted towards the control panel, and smashed it. The elevator jolted up several floors, knocking everyone to their feet. But even though Legion and Shepard recovered in a few moments, Tali layed on floor with her head down, twitching periodically.

"Oh my god! Are you-" Shepard said as he rolled Tali over, discovering the mask to her suit had been totally smashed and her face was a clear as day. Shepard was lost for words.

(About to break the 4th wall here)

"Well then, I guess Bioware will have to do some really good explaining to the fans pof mass effect when they find this out," Shepard stated before winking twice.

(Broke it!)

"Shepard Commander, who are you talking to?" Legion questioned.

*DruidofNecromancy puts a glass of imaginary wine on a invisble table*

Hello readers, it is me, DruidofNecromancy. I thank you for you wonderful feedback and I will be writing many for MassEffect fanfics later on. But I at a crossroad on what to do next. Could you help me? It won't be that hard. I just need you to pick one of the three ideas from the list below and put it in your review. I want to see what you guys want, and I will make it.

A. Tali, well, dies during the Suicide Mission, and is now trying to find a new love interest aboard Normandy.

B. Orianna Lawson joins the crew of the Normandy but finds herself in a wierd posistion, she has a crush on a synthetic, AKA, legion.

C. This one would be like option B, but Orianna and Legions relationship takes a turn for the worst and it takes place 2 years after Orianna leaves the Normandy.

D. While Grunt was trying to find his stuffed animal reaper, he finds an old copy of an old game, Diablo 3. He becomes addicted to it and locks himself into the mens restroom. Meanwhile, Shepard drinks a lot of alchohol and has an urge to pee, but the only bathroom on the Normandy is barricaded, so he teams up with the rest of the male crew membesr to find someway of getting Grunt of the bathroom before all of their bladder explode.


	8. The End

Notes from the Necromancer: I am so very sorry for my lack of updates in the last couple of weeks. It was just I needed some new inspiration, so I decided to watch some anime. And listened to classical music. Man, what a journey. I also appears that the majority of the reviews say that Grunt shall be thrown into the hell that is Diablo! And then I will do a Legion Orianna romance! Enjoy the last chapter of elevator jam!

An so, after escaping the elevator, Shepard, Tali and Legion, made their way back to Normandy, completely forgetting about Grunt and Garrus.

_***C-SEC DETENTION CENTER***_

A red light flashed as the gate to cell block J-5Kickyour $$ opened, getting two new prisoners inside. Both of them wearing the orange jump suit given to all prisoners at the start of their sentence.

"Well Grunt, you think Shepard is going to save us from this mess?" Garrus said as he scoped the cell block.

"Eh, I sort of like it here. Hey look, that prison gang is drinking gasoline while carving tattoo's into each other's arms with a knife as two people fight with bricks in close by and the guard doesn't even notice. They're so cool!" Grunt squalled like a little school girl as he pointed at a gang comprised of an Asarian, Volus, and Drell, sitting at a table and indeed using knives to create scars on each other's arms, while to Vorcha beat each other silly with bricks as the guard got high while on duty. Unfortunately, Grunt pointing caught the eyes of the gang, and the

Asarian began walking towards them.

"Oh crap…" Garrus sighed.

The Asarian gave them a cold stare as she scanned both of them. "You two look pretty tough. Want to join our gang? If you don't we are going to have to kill you and throw you in the chili. And since no eats the chili, no one will ever know. So wanna join or what?"

"Yes, does that make me cool like you guys now?" Grunt replied.

"No."

"Aw."

Back on Normandy…

Legion looked at his note pad once again and looked at Shepard AND Tali, who were both sitting in his meg-shift therapist office, built in the Ai core of Normandy. And they were just wrapping up their first relationship counseling meeting.

"Your relationship seems much healthier than I thought, Shepard Commander. It was just a communication issue. But you may still want to see me if you have any further issues. Now get out of my office, please, Jack and Samara have an appointment soon. They're quite a handful."

But the thought of a healthy relationship was dashed during the suicide mission.

"I'M SORRY LEGION! I LET YOU DIE!" Shepard cried over the corpse of Tali, but do to the tears blurring his vision, and the confusion of battle; he thought it was the body of Legion. "I should've tried harder to do your loyalty mission!"

As Shepard wept, Legion put his hand on Shepard's shoulder, very confusion. "Shepard commander, I am still fully functioning, that is the corpse of Tali you are standing over."

Shepard became shocked as he stared at the corpse of his girlfriend. Than after a few moments of thinking, he nudged her body over the cliff.

"I'M FREE OF THAT DEMON! HOORAY! Wait is this going to bite me in ass during Mass Effect 3?"

The end.


End file.
